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I Want to Wake Up

Being in Love with Someone Who Doesn't Love You Back

We all know what it's like to pine for someone we know we'll never have. This is so common that nine out of ten adults have experienced it to some degree at some point in their life (Bringle et al, 2013). These crushes come on strong and burn bright, but they often end just as quickly as they begin. When we were young and inexperienced with love, it was easy to fall in love whether they loved us back or not, but as we grow older, we learn healthy patterns of attachment and realize that love is meant to be a two-way street. Yet some people continue to cling to one-sided relationships. and when their unrequited love goes bad, they become obsessive. If they do nothing about it, it can drag on for years, and their obsession can take a turn down a very dark path. Unrequited love, or being in love with someone who doesn't love you back, most often arises from platonic friendships or workplace interactions, but it can also arise from a mutually satisfying relationship when one person decides to end it but the other person is still in love (Kivac, 2023). It can manifest in different ways, from persistent pursuit of someone the admirer sees and interacts with on a regular basis to distant admiration of someone they've never met and seen only once. No matter how it starts and no matter how it manifests, it is unhealthy for both people. For the admirer, the absence of mutual affection or feelings can lead to intense emotional turmoil as they find themselves grappling with longing and heartbreak. This can completely destroy any sense of self-worth they had. For the beloved, it causes confusion and guilt as they deal with having to reject someone they probably cared about at one time. This can cause them to change how they view themselves, what kind of person they are. Neuroscientists refer to it as limerence, and a large volume of research has developed on the topic over the last few decades.

Limerence

Limerence is an intense, involuntary state of romantic infatuation characterized by obsessive thoughts, emotional dependency, and an overwhelming desire for reciprocation from another person (Wyant, 2015). Researchers liken it to the early stages of intense romantic love. In the beginning of a limerent experience, the admirer spends a great deal of time thinking about their beloved because it brings them a great amount of pleasure. That pleasure is intensified to something like elation or jubilation if there is even a hint of reciprocity. They often replay and analyze every interaction they have with their beloved looking for a sign that they feel the same way. If there are signs, whether real or imagined, they may feel a boost in self-esteem, that such a person would have interest in them. This ecstatic and obsessed state is the core of limerence. Limerence doesn't become a problem until the admirer realizes that their beloved is not interested in the same type of relationship. The admirer never gives up hope and think about their beloved obsessively. The delirious rush of early limerence slowly transforms into the relentless obsession associated with being addicted to a person. All of the pent-up energy and unacted upon action turns inwards and traps the admirer in inescapable thought loops. The starting point for limerence is desire. You meet someone who excites you in just the right way. Being around them intoxicates you. Just being with them is exhilarating. Daydreaming about them is so pleasurable that you indulge in it whenever you get a chance. The reason that you can't stop thinking about them is because they're sending your arousal, reward, and motivation systems into overdrive. They've become a primary source of emotional reward in your world, and your brain will push you to seek more. But if that desire can't be satisfied, it doesn't just fade away. It transforms into obsession. Instead of healthy attraction, you become addicted to them. Unrequited limerence turns toxic when you can't emotionally give up hope. Your mind gets trapped in a state of relentless wanting. And at that point when you realize that you can no longer stop thinking about them even if you want to, new emotional challenges bubble up. Fear, anxiety, shame. You've lost control of your own thoughts and that realization unsettles you.

Key techniques for coping with this emotional pain include accepting reality, setting boundaries to interrupt the reward cycle, and shifting focus toward self-care and healing. The process of healing may seem pretty easy, but I can assure you from personal experience that it is not. In fact, I've been dealing with this particular situation for at least ten years, and the pain continues to get worse and worse. The pain we feel from this situation cuts deep, deeper than the pain we would feel from any other emotional situation. To make it worse, our brain doesn't quite understand what is going on, and it keeps playing tricks with itself that intensifies the pain we're feeling exponentially. .the first time I had sex was in a restroom on the campus of George Mason University in Fairfax, Virginia. I was a student there at the time, and one day between classes, I ducked into a restroom. As I sat there, I noticed a phone number and name written on the wall, so I wrote it down and called the guy. A few days later, I met up with him, and we sucked each other off in a restroom on campus. I still remember it, the way the stall was so crowded with the two of us standing face to face, the way it made me anxious because someone could have walked in and caught us, the way I was incredibly turned on having sex with a guy while at the same time I was freaking out because I was having sex with a guy. The whole thing lasted about ten minutes, then we both pulled up our pants and walked out of the restroom. It didn't occur to me at the time that a restroom was an unusual place to have sex. I was too busy reeling from the experience. I never saw that guy again, but as it turned out, that was not the only restroom on campus that led me to gay sex. Sometime after that experience, I ducked into a different restroom. As I sat down, I noticed someone had written "Tap Your Foot For A Blowjob" on the space between the two stalls. As I contemplated what that meant exactly, I noticed that the toilet paper dispenser began to move. A few seconds later, it completely disappeared as the guy next to me pulled it out of the wall. It freaked me out so much, I immediately stood up, pulled up my pants, and ran out. But I went back. I went back a lot. That restroom was rockin'...all the time. The sex usually happened there in the restroom. Sometimes it would stop when someone entered the rest room, sometimes it wouldn't. Other times, we would go somewhere else on campus for privacy. I remember one time when a telephone serviceman and I walked over to the library and went to the top of the stairwell as if we were going to exit to the roof, but instead that's where we stopped. The space in front of the exit door was a perfect spot for sex. He sucked me off four times no more than an hour. It was the most I had cum in one day at that point in my life. What I didn't realize at the time was that I was forming an impression about what gay sex was, what it was like to have sex with another man, and that impression was that it was dirty, sleazy, secretive, crowded, and anxious.

So Many Justifications So Little Time

Falling in love with someone who will never love you back is not a fast process. It needs time to peculate, to intensify, to deepen. Sure, there are signs that things are not what you think they are, but you have to be open minded and realistic with yourself to see those signs. Who has the willpower to face reality when there are a million justifications to explain away the millions of inconsistencies between what you see and what you want to see? Here are some of the most common justifications that allow the admirer to continue with the infatuation even when they are aware that their love will never be returned.

They must feel it too. The connection that the admirer feels with their beloved seems very strong to them, so strong that they can't even imagine that their beloved doesn't feel it too. They believe the connection they feel is something special, and because it's special, it cannot be imaginary. For the admirer, it seems like there is extraordinary romantic energy hanging in the air around themselves and their beloved that proves their love is meaningful and significant.

Everything is special. The admirer values every detail of their relationship with the other person much higher than it actually is. This over-activates the arousal reward system in the brain, which acts as a motivational influence that transforms their beloved into someone worthy of their attention and action (Robinson et al, 2013). Basically, it makes everything the other person says or does seem weighted with importance.

Fixating on good memories. Limerence often gets stuck in the fixation phase, and if left to its own devices, it will eventually being to feel toxic. There are good memories and bad memories. When the admirer is forced to relive a bad memory, they try to compensate by fixating on a good memory, which takes on special significance in this situation. As a way of dealing with the pain of having a bad experience with their beloved, the admirer relives and immerses himself in one of the good memories to prove to himself that there is something real between him and his beloved.

I just need to know for sure. At a certain point, the admirer begins to realize that their hopes for a relationship are a lost cause. This can trigger a decision to end contact and start the recovery process, but there's often a nagging voice in their head that's hard to ignore, a voice saying "I just need to know for sure how they feel." They already know but they just don't want to admit it.

I feel much better now. For those who have started the recovery process, there can come a time when they are feeling good about their progress. If they still have to have contact with the other person, if they're a co-worker or a close friend or a neighbor, it can lead to the idea that they are totally over the other person "so it's ok if we go out for coffee or some other friendly social activity.

Bargaining for friendship: One of the biggest losses in this situation is if you are friends with the other person and decide you need to end contact with them. That is a really painful outcome. It is a no win situation because trying to remain friends with the other person inevitably brings pain and suffering. Many people accept that they must end the friendship but they can't get past the feeling of loss, so they begin to bargain with themselves. "I mean, it's not as if he's ever been inappropriate." He only wants to be friends and that's hardly unreasonable. This just doesn't work out.

What happens at work stays at work. When limerence happens in the workplace, it can be particularly difficult to deal with. It is not possible to institute a no contact recovery, and it's not reasonable for either person to quit. Some people try to get past this problem by acting like everything is fine at work while going silent outside of work. They realize this pushes the boundaries, that it's risky, but they'll do anything to hold onto whatever they can. This doesn't work.

I know what I'm doing This seems perfectly safe at first, but the whole time you're telling yourself that you know what you're doing, you're actually scheming in your head, thinking of a way to show the beloved how much better they'd be with you. This just prolongs the limerence. It prolongs the pain, the suffering, everything.

How Unrequited Love Affects You

Unrequited love can affect you on a much deeper level than you might think, and it's effects can stay with you much longer than you think. It can lower your self-esteem, scatter your emotions, and even change the way you view the world (Banks, 2026). One moment you’re filled with hope. The next moment you’re wondering what went wrong. The heart doesn’t listen to reason, and you keep loving them even though you know you shouldn't. Unrequited love can feel like a quiet ache that lingers in the background, always there, always hurting, always making you think things you really shouldn't be thinking.

Emotional exhaustion. The connection that the admirer feels with their beloved seems very strong to them, so strong that they can't even imagine that their beloved doesn't feel it too. They believe the connection they feel is something special, and because it's special, it cannot be imaginary. For the admirer, it seems like there is extraordinary romantic energy hanging in the air around themselves and their beloved that proves their love is meaningful and significant.

Lowered self-esteem. The admirer values every detail of their relationship with the other person much higher than it actually is. This over-activates the arousal reward system in the brain, which acts as a motivational influence that transforms their beloved into someone worthy of their attention and action (Robinson et al, 2013). Basically, it makes everything the other person says or does seem weighted with importance.

Rumination and obsessive thoughts. Limerence often gets stuck in the fixation phase, and if left to its own devices, it will eventually being to feel toxic. There are good memories and bad memories. When the admirer is forced to relive a bad memory, they try to compensate by fixating on a good memory, which takes on special significance in this situation. As a way of dealing with the pain of having a bad experience with their beloved, the admirer relives and immerses himself in one of the good memories to prove to himself that there is something real between him and his beloved.

Withdrawal and social isolation. At a certain point, the admirer begins to realize that their hopes for a relationship are a lost cause. This can trigger a decision to end contact and start the recovery process, but there's often a nagging voice in their head that's hard to ignore, a voice saying "I just need to know for sure how they feel." They already know but they just don't want to admit it.

Idealization of the other person. For those who have started the recovery process, there can come a time when they are feeling good about their progress. If they still have to have contact with the other person, if they're a co-worker or a close friend or a neighbor, it can lead to the idea that they are totally over the other person "so it's ok if we go out for coffee or some other friendly social activity.

Difficulty moving on or trusting again. One of the biggest losses in this situation is if you are friends with the other person and decide you need to end contact with them. That is a really painful outcome. It is a no win situation because trying to remain friends with the other person inevitably brings pain and suffering. Many people accept that they must end the friendship but they can't get past the feeling of loss, so they begin to bargain with themselves. "I mean, it's not as if he's ever been inappropriate." He only wants to be friends and that's hardly unreasonable. This just doesn't work out.

Personal growth and self-discovery. When limerence happens in the workplace, it can be particularly difficult to deal with. It is not possible to institute a no contact recovery, and it's not reasonable for either person to quit. Some people try to get past this problem by acting like everything is fine at work while going silent outside of work. They realize this pushes the boundaries, that it's risky, but they'll do anything to hold onto whatever they can. This doesn't work.

Unrequited love can turn into something positive, but that might not seem possible when your heart feels heavy. It can eventually bring something meaningful into your life. The pain, while real, often holds quiet lessons about emotional depth, self-awareness, and resilience.

First Hand

I know first hand the pain that comes from being in love with someone who will never love me back. I was an active participant in that type of relationship for more than a decade, and I only recently began to heal from it. I met him in 2003, almost 25 years ago. We hooked up online, and he came to my place to have sex. I remember opening the door, him walking in, my heart skipping a beat. We hit if off immediately, felt like we'd known each other for years. We had some incredible sex that first night, sex that I still remember as if it was yesterday, and I admit that I wanted to marry him on the spot. After that first night, we fell into a pretty consistent pattern of hooking up two or three times a year. Our sex got hotter and better every time we hooked up. I liked hanging out with him, and it seemed like he liked hanging out with me. This pattern played out over and over for more than ten years. By this time, we'd become very comfortable with one another, and we both wanted more of that good sex we were making together. Our two or three times a year became once a month then a couple of times a month to once a week to more than once in some weeks. At this point, our sex was wild and intense, and I fucking loved it. One night he came over and was walking with crutches. He hurt both of his ankles in a freak accident, and it was difficult for him to move around by himself. He casually asked if he could stay with me for a few days so I could help him get around while he recovered. I knew full well what he had in mind. I went to work during the day, came home, and then we got high and fucked all night. He ended up staying off and on for a few weeks. During this time, I was able to really get to know him like I never had before, and the more I got to know, the more I liked. I was aware that I was smitten with him, to say the least. It was obvious. He seemed to feel the same way about me. It was all going very well until one fateful night when I let slip something I never should have let slip.

The Slip

The sex was hot and heavy that night. It was always hot and heavy. It always lasted all night yet I never wanted it to end. We were always very well connected psychologically, and always very high, so connected and so high that sometimes I thought I could hear what he was thinking. I couldn't, of course, but I certainly knew what he was thinking. He was thinking the same thing I was. He had to be. Why would he be thinking about anything different than I was? Three words had gotten stuck in my mind. I couldn't get rid of them, just kept repeating them over and over in my mind. I repeated these words so much that I convinced myself that he was repeating them in his head too, that he felt the same way, that he loved me like I loved him. That's when I let it slip. "I love you!" He looked at me in a half serious half joking sort of way, "I love you too sweetie." That should have been enough. I should have read between the lines, should have read the expression on his face, the tone of his voice, but I didn't. Instead, I thought he meant it. I let loose a mouth full of I love you garbage, told him how I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, that he was who I had been waiting for my entire life, you know the kind of garbage I'm talking about. He handled it very well, didn't freak out, just diverted my attention to the sex we were having. He did it so smoothly, I didn't even notice that he hadn't meant what he said, that I loved him but he didn't love me.

The Trouble Begins

Before that night even began, we both knew our little love live in was coming to an end. He was all but completely healed at that point, and there was really no reason for him to continue to stay with me since he was quite able to get around easily enough by himself, so regardless of my emotional outburst, he probably would have left the next day anyway. When I got home from work and walked into my apartment, I knew immediately that he was gone. I stood there, just inside the doorway, door still ajar, looking around but almost afraid to move. There was a stark emptiness that was almost palpable in the apartment. I was alone. I have lived by myself for most of my adult life, so I was certainly used to being alone, but there was something different about this aloneness, something I didn't like, something that wasn't right. As hard as I tried to accept that he was no longer there, as hard as I tried to tell myself it was no big deal, as hard as I tried to come to terms with the emptiness that now occupied my bedroom, my apartment, my heart, all I could think was that I had ruined the one good thing I had in my life. I can now admit that those thoughts were over-dramatic. My life was filled with good things, a steady job that I liked, having enough money to live without the worry of not being able to pay the rent, the freedom to do what I wanted when I wanted, etc. By most standards, I had an easy life, although that was the last thing I wanted to admit to the night he left me. Now, here comes the craziest part. After that night, we still had sex on a regular basis. We basically fell back into our old pattern. We'd hangout together whenever it suited our needs and we made awesome sex together whenever we hooked up. Really, I had nothing to complain about, except for the fact that I wanted far more from him than he was willing to give me. That's when the trouble began.

I didn't know it at the time, but that was when my unrequited love began. As time passed, I felt more and more in love with him and didn't notice that he wasn't feeling the samw way.

Works Cited

Banks, Dylan. (2026). Effects of Unrequited Love & What You Can Do About It. Marriage.com. https://www.marriage.com/advice/self-love/effects-of-unrequited-love

Bringle, R. G., Winnick, T., & Rydell, R. J. (2013). The Prevalence and Nature of Unrequited Love. Sage Open, 3(2). https://doi.org/10.1177/2158244013492160

Kivac Rebecca (2024). Unrequited Love. Journal of Human Emotions, 45(4), Ebso. https://www.ebsco.com/research-starters/psychology/unrequited-love

Wyant BE. (2015) Treatment of Limerence Using a Cognitive Behavioral Approach: A Case Study. Journal of Patient Experience, 31(2), doi: 10.1177/23743735211060812. PMID: 34869848; PMCID: PMC8641115.

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